The Crucible REMIXED
by Psychoanalysis
Summary: I started a parody over this when I didn't want to do my bio homework. It's a parody of The Crucible, complete with character thingys at the beginning! Rated M for language


DISCLAIMER: I do not happen to won _The Crucible_. I wonder what I'd put for a disclaimer if I did, though?

Right. Author's note-ish thing: _The Crucible_ is about the Salem Witch Trials, but parts of it are historically incorrect. Abigail Williams, for one, is eleven in history, yet she is seventeen in the play. (For obvious reasons--to create DRAMA.) So even if you haven't read it, you know that it's about the Salem Witch Trials, so you can guess what happens. And you already know some of who dies and crap.  
Oh, and I'm not basing this just on the play--we watched the movie in my class (I had to read this for American Lit, which is a fancy name for THE ENGLISH CLASS YOU TAKE IN YOUR SOPHOMORE YEAR AT CHANDRA'S HIGH SCHOOL) and I feel like making fun of that, too.

So, onto the show! Da dadadaaaaaaaaa!

* * *

**_THE CRUCIBLE_ CAST**

And by cast, I mean that I'm going to point out random things about the most promienent characters. They're all crazy, you know.

TITUBA: The confused Barbadian slave.  
Tituba is in her mid-40s and she is a black slave. Therefore, she gets blamed for a lot of things. She's also obsessed with the fact that she wants to go home to Barbados. And she loves her Betty. As you will see.  
CRAZY SCALE: Pretty well up there.

REVEREND PARRIS: "OMG They Hate ME!1!1!111!"  
Reverend Parris is Betty Parris's father. His wife's dead and he sucks at childrearing. He's also wicked paranoid and has an authority complex. He always has to be in control or something. And when he isn't, he starts acting like he is and asking random questions about firewood and starts talking about taking in random people to accuse of witchcraft and question. He used to be a merchant somewhere in the Carribbean until he decided, 'hey, let's become a minister! YEAH!' and took his slave from Barbados Tituba with him. And he thinks that there is a group of people out there that want to bring him downnnnn...  
CRAZY SCALE: Moderately. It's more of his authority complex than sheer craziness.

BETTY PARRIS: -Is dead to the world-  
Betty Parris is Reverend Parris's daughter, and she pretends to be bewtiched throughout the whole thing. Though the first act is mainly centered around her and the fact that she is sleeping and WON'T GET UP. So everyone goes OMG witchcraft!1!11! IN THE MINISTER'S OWN HOME! OMGZ! Oh, and she also tries to fly.  
CRAZY SCALE: Lower, she's only doing it for show, IMO.

ABIGAIL WILLIAMS: "John Proctor will be mine!"  
Abigail Williams is the neice of Rev. Parris (and the cousin of Betty, in case you didn't pick up on that.) She is seventeen in the play (and eleven in history, but shh, that's not important) and beautiful. And she lies a lot. She likes to make up stories. And she has THE biggest ego in the entire play. Seriously. She lets all of the witchcraft hysteria get to her head. And is pscyho jealous of Elizabeth Proctor. But I think you can guess why. If not, you'll find out soon enough.  
CRAZY SCALE: Reachin way towards the top...the second craziest character in the entire play.

MRS PUTNAM: "My babies?"  
Mrs. Putnam is the mother of Ruth Putnam, one of the accusing girls. She is married to a fairly wealthy landowner (Thomas Putnam). ANNNNNNNNND...she is completely obsessed with the fact that seven out of eight of her babies died in childbirth! (Yes, I do realise that this isn't a very funny fact, but the way she reacts to it is). She thinks that someone murdered her babies by using witchcraft, for whatever reason. So everytime someone is accused of witchcraft, or witchcraft is mentioned, she freaks out and starts talking about her dead babies.  
CRAZY SCALE: Easily the craziest character in the play. Just above Abby.

MARY WARREN: The Weakest Link  
Mary Warren is part of the group of accusing girls, but she is the weakest link--meaning, the one most likely to tell the truth. She's a maid in the Proctors' household and is about 18 and just all-over timid. Like a mouse. To use an overused cliched analogy.  
CRAZY SCALE: Not crazy at all. Probably one of the sanest characters in the play.

REVEREND HALE: "Witch? What?"  
Reverend Hale is some random guy from somewhere in Massachusetts--Beverly, I think. Yeah. Beverly. Anyways, he's an expert in witchcraft and recognising the signs of it and stuff, so he's called to Salem to confirm that there _isn't_ witchcraft there. Although then he says there it. And then he denys it. So he's really gotta learn to make up his mind, eh?  
CRAZY SCALE: Not crazy. Like Mary Warren.

JOHN PROCTOR: The cheating, loving husband  
John Proctor is a huge character in the play. For obvious reasons, one he appears. He doesn't believe it witchcraft and thinks that it's a load of bull, so that WOULD get him accused, except for the fact that he's pretty influential. He hates Reverend Parris for being...I don't know, weird. He's a farmer and owns a house and land five miles out of town (sorry, I don't know what that translates into kilometers for anyone non-American, and I don't know what that translates into hours for anyone like myself from New England).   
CRAZY SCALE: Moderately crazy...for reasons you will see why later.

BRIDGET BISHOP: Just plain crazy!  
Bridget Bishop isn't really in the play, but she's the first one accused and hanged for witchcraft. According to the movie, she can't do witchcraft but she CAN dance backwards.  
CRAZY SCALE: Way up there, due to the 'I-can-dance-backwards' thing.

JUDGE HAWTHORNE: Annoying judge #1  
He's a major judge that comes to judge the accused on accounts of witchcraft. Kind of weird. He totally believes Abigail and the other 'accused' girls, and is close-minded to any reason why they could be lying. An asshole, actually.  
CRAZY SCALE: Not crazy, just an asshole.

JUDGE DANFORTH: Annoying judge #2  
Pretty much the same as Judge Hawthorn. Kind of weird, totally believes the "afflicted" girls, blah blah blah. He's an asshole, too.  
CRAZY SCALE: Exactly the same as Hawthorne--not crazy, just an asshole.

ELIZABETH PROCTOR: Abigail's main target  
Married to John Proctor, and Abigail's main target. Is quite nice, actually.  
CRAZY SCALE: I would say that she's the least craziest in the play, but I can't say why I don't say that. Do I make sense? No? Good.

Um, I think that's good. If I remember any more, I'll add them here and tell you. _Capise?_ (Or however the hell you spell that.)


End file.
